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LD · 04-23-2005, 07:08 AM

I got a good one too
just got it in the email

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over

again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the

president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants, etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that

and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"

**95fbirdkid** · 04-23-2005, 09:43 AM

[img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img] both are funny

**teal99camaro** · 04-23-2005, 10:39 AM

that canada joke is jsut like the joke from the movie desperado... guy bets he can piss in a jar for 500 dollars without spilling a drop (jar is far away)

Plays some pool, pisses all over the place.. gives the bartender 500 bucks with a smole on his face.. bartender asks why he is smiling. guy says that he bet each of the guys at the pooltable 2 grand that he could piss all over the place and the bartender would be happy about it.

**Ender2664** · 04-23-2005, 01:12 PM

Yeah i know that second one all to well...there are alot of different darivites of that one. That first one from bat is really funny. I could tell funny jokes...but all mine are racist or sexist.

**12secondv6** · 04-23-2005, 02:36 PM

[img]graemlins/rofl.gif[/img]

All funny, 1st one would be a PITA though!

LD · 07-28-2005, 09:38 AM

figured I'd revive this thread for a joke I got in my email today

An old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager", and is this b!tch giving you a hard time?"

LD · 07-29-2005, 09:29 AM

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck; she wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would have settled on any beat up old truck and everything she fell in love with was way out of their price range.

After much deliberation, she said "Look, all I want is something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less and and my birthday is coming up so you could surprise me!"

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services are pending.

LD · 07-29-2005, 10:06 AM

I'm a democrat, but still found this to be pretty funny

Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question Does this man look poor! or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway? What kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:
BANG!

Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....(sounds of reloading).BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

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Good joke..

Good joke..

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